Beauty

There Is Such A Thing As Too Tan

When I see an overly tanned girl strolling through the grocery store or park, I can't help but burst into song; and really, any Oompa Loompa song will do. Sometimes it's so hot out that you can see the goopy condensation of a bad spray tan running down their knees. I know some people who adore the color orange, just not directly staining the skin of their women. I have yet to meet anyone who'd want to diddle a proverbial pumpkin.

News flash! It isn't attractive! It's nasty! Unless you're a bodybuilder and absolutely need some fake color to stand out on stage, you have no reason to look like a gourd. Unless you want to be subjected to several people parading behind you in public while singing about Veruca Salt and Charlie Bucket, I suggest you leave the tanning beds and spray-tans alone. You'll look far more appealing without that gunky shit caked to the creases in your knees and elbows.

Aren't you worried about the condition your skin is in? Tanning beds are bad for you! Too much sun is bad for you! That chemical bullshit is bad for you! Plus, when you're spotted with skin cancer, we pale people will be the ones laughing our asses off in the shade. Why? Because we are comfortable enough in our own skin to know you're all orange and stained brown dipsticks that will soon reap the benefits of your terribly withered and overly-tanned body.